1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
