I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
