Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
