Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
