Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
