I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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