I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
