I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
