I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
