im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
