Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's the barista slut.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
