guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
