i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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