so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
