News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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