i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
