So drunk its hurt
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
