Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Everyone says I win the strip club
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
