if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
