Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
