My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
