I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
