he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
