I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
