i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
