There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
