1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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