I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
