You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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