Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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