I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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