my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
