I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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