So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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