You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
