so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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