One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
