So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
