My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
