I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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