I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
