She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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