Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
