I showed him my bush... on skype.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
