i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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