He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
