You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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