don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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