My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
