Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
